better man

Better Man

Being great isn’t simply about having the knowledge and/or skills required, it’s about being a better man in your personal life–moment to moment.

So what exactly does it mean to be a “better man,” anyway? Does it mean that you know how to use tools, have visibly strong or toned muscles, have a respected or successful career or job—what, exactly, does it mean?

It’s a question that was on my mind and, in truth, has been on my mind for a while, but I didn’t start really looking into it more seriously until this year.

WHAT CHANGED

The reason for my suddenly increased interest in being an all-around better guy didn’t simply stem from my repeated playback of Pearl Jam’s Better Man back in the day, although I have to admit, the lyrics carry a lot of weight behind them (and you can check them out here, if you like). If you don’t know the song, then I’d definitely recommend it.

Anyway, my first and only marriage took place when I was a wee lad in my young 20s. It was never great, rarely good, and should never have happened in the first place. However, this is the sort of thing that happens when you live in a family that doesn’t take the time to figure out what a real man or woman should be like and then try to impart that precious knowledge on to their offspring. Indeed, the result of a weak man is, sadly, is a weak son or daughter prone to various grievances throughout their lives—that is, until they take the time to actually fix it themselves.

And that’s what I find myself right smack dab in the middle of—making myself into a better person and man—which is what I would love to help you with as well, if I’m able to do so (and trust me, I say that fully knowing that I have a LONG way to go!). Suffice to say that I desire to be the best I can be—and be great—and desire for you to be as well.

About half a year back, in early 2017, my live-in girlfriend and I were getting close to a two-year relationship. Since she is Chinese, her family is always pushing for marriage and, because they are also “old style traditionalists,” they also believe she should be like a faucet of money that’s connected to my bank account–and a lot more so than the average Chinese family I know. If they had been great people, I wouldn’t have minded giving them some cash here and there, but they were not only relatively poor, they were very poor in mind, as well as rude in more ways than one.

The result was that I was unwilling to commit to a marriage which I didn’t view as a solution to these issues, as well as several others we were having. In short, just like my previous marriage, I wasn’t in a great, loving relationship—but I wanted to be. After some odd events and too many secrets being kept—and many having no reason to be kept—I decided to tell her to move her things out and I went to Japan again to relax and think for a few days.

She didn’t protest at all, which to me was more evidence of how little she actually cared about our relationship and how there might be someone else being considered in her mind anyway. It didn’t matter to me much, and it wouldn’t have mattered at all if we hadn’t had such a long-term relationship. However, I began my trek back to finding my core dilemma’s causation, which is what led me to reading and watching a ton of videos and then, ultimately, writing this post.

CAN’T FIND A BETTER MAN

One of the most amazing phenomenons I’ve seen these days is one of extremes. I hear a myriad of women complaining about not being able to find a “good man,” while at the same time there are women either locked into a bad relationship for various reasons or simply telling themselves they can’t or won’t be able to find anything better.

Just to be fair, I will mention that there isn’t necessarily a large amount of “better women,” either. Remember: they are being raised by the same families—or lack thereof—as the men. The results are both profound and harmfully varied, as you ought to know. Why do you think women get involved with abusive men? Why do girls fall for married men? Why does a young woman find illegal comfort in the arms of her senior teacher? Why does a wife suddenly leave her husband and demonize him to his beloved children?

The answers to these questions are mostly rooted in what we mentioned before, which is the rearing of the children AND the now-grown child’s determination and commitment to improvement—not to mention their ability and resources to do so.

With that said, let’s now concentrate on what YOU, as a man, can do to improve yourself and increase your chances at both personal happiness and romantic relationship balance.

97% OF MEN ARE 100% WRONG

This year, I’ve read the same book almost twenty times (which is something I regularly do with what I consider to be “life changing” reads). The main reason I do this is the same for every book: so that I can completely absorb all of the information and make it a deep part of my belief system, way of thinking, and life choices—all on a subconscious level.

The particular book that I’m talking about is called How to be a 3% Man by Corey Wayne, who calls himself “Coach,” and for good reason. Coach Corey lays out his argument for how to be the men we SHOULD be, which is, in his belief, also the man that women want—no, NEED—us to be. The stories he tells in the book, in addition to his numerous Youtube videos and viewers’ messages, are a testament to the potency and accuracy of this words. This doesn’t mean that all of Coach’s stuff is spot-on, but after absorbing much of his lessons into my life, I can say with 100% certainty that there as been a HUGE, positive change in the way women respond to me, not to mention an increase my own personal goals and productivity,

And this is the goal we as men need to see. It isn’t simply about “getting a woman/girlfriend/wife/etc.” It’s about being a great YOU. By doing so, we become a great man by default, and then again by default, people are naturally attracted to us. You see how this is like a snowball rolling down a hill? It basically reminds me of the old cartoons—do you see that image in your mind? Well, now’s the time to push yours from the top!

In The 3% Man, Coach Corey basically has the belief that less than 3% of men actually are or know how to be a “real” man. Some do it naturally without knowing why or how they are the way they are, but others must learn it or hone what we already do well—as I have. So, to be a “3% man” means not to be less of a man, but to be part of the few, the proud, the….Men.

Over the years, I’ve noticed that some things I’ve actually done right, but there were quite a number of boo-boos, oh my Gods, what-was-I-thinkings, and outright SMHs as it related to women. I used to think that I didn’t have many opportunities or the right circumstances, but ultimately I was able to realize, upon learning much from this book and others, that the chances have always been there—and regularly—and that it was predominantly just ME that has been causing my disturbances.

This, you should realize, is also the main cause for the rest of our problems. I understand that we can be and have been abused in ways which we had or have no control over, but I truly believe that at the end of the day, we can take control of this and turn it into something beautiful.

We must stand up, take responsibility for our lives, and fight. Keep going—your kingdom will come.

TOP THREE TAKEAWAYS FOR BEING A BETTER GUY

Rather than simply giving you a summary of a book or even the main points, I’m going to take from my own experience and then do my best to tell you the main three things I’ve found to be most important.

  1. Love Yourself. This is the most important one and, if you forget everything else, this one will still guide you. Loving yourself is something that confused me for many years, because inside the church where I was raised, they never, ever talked about this, unless it was to show you how selfish you were being.Sadly, for too long my knowledge of self-love was limited, again, to some song lyrics, in this case Whitney Houston’s The Greatest Love of All. Still, as most songs do, it left out just how to do that and I continued to battle with it for decades. At some point, I had to stop blaming my parents and take it upon myself to build, for there never was anything built to repair to begin with.How to love yourself, then? That’s a great question. Many people will tell you general things like “do what you love, don’t care what others think/say, have hobbies you love,” etc. These things, however, do not build love in you and for you. I know because I’ve done them. I have been living abroad now for almost five years—which is something that I definitely wanted to do (and still do), but I still have much to learn about loving myself, which I am well-aware is incomplete.What I’ve come to learn is that deep-seated feelings of self-worth, or self-worthlessness, in most cases, takes more than activities to repair, or build, in my case (again, it reminds me of a song, in this case Queensryche’s Bridge, in which his father wants to repair the bridge in their relationship, but his son informs him that there was actually never a bridge built between then in the first place—very poignant and relevant to me as a teenager).

    So, my main advice about learning to love yourself is to do some daily exercises, as silly as you may think they are, to convince your subconscious that you are indeed a great man who is loving, worthy of love, and full of confidence. It’s out of the limit of this article to tell you how to do that, but it doesn’t take long at all to figure out how. Google or search on Youtube for ways to influence your subconscious mind with daily exercises. There is a vast amount of information on this topic.

  2. Perfect Practice. One of my high school basketball coaches, as much of a jerk as he was in most things, said something I’ve never forgotten: “Practice doesn’t make perfect. Perfect practice makes perfect.” At the time, I thought this was ridiculous, but over the years I’ve come to understand it and even utilize it not only in my life but in other situations, such as when teaching others.In becoming a great man, you need to get an idea of what a great man is FIRST, and then go out and BE that man. It’s easy to read about and understand, but doing it is a different animal. It’s like learning soccer. Easy to watch, easy to understand after asking some questions, but when you actually go out to try your first-ever corner kick or header, well….good luck to you. The reason I mention soccer is that I’m an American, and by this very fact you should probably know that we aren’t very keen on it, preferring instead American football, among others. I still remember the first time my friend and I went to the soccer field after watching a World Cup game. We were stoked to try out some headers—and it only took us FIFTY tries to get ONE in!You see what I mean? Understanding and Doing are different animals entirely.So, with being a great man, you need to take the lessons you learn and then begin practicing them. The great news is that there are people—and women—everywhere, so whether you are interested in a relationship with them or not, you can still practice with them. After all, it’ll build your self-confidence and make the feel good as well, so it can only help you improve yourself.

    Some simple parts of perfect practice are: eye contact, smiling, approaching, talking, asking appropriate questions, being able to walk away, not being pushy, and doing this a LOT. The first step you could easily take is simply to go to a large area, such as a shopping mall, and focus only one making eye contact with a girl and giving her a warm smile. Do this to as many people—especially ladies—as you can until you’ve got it down pat. After that, then you can take the move to speak with the ones who seem really responsive to your initial contact.

    Again, I don’t go into the details of all this, but Corey has in his book and I do recommend it!

  3. Have a Life. One of the main things that really turns people off—including me—is when someone doesn’t have any perceived goals or ambitions. I’ve actually heard more than a few girls (and guys, even) say that their free time consists of sleeping, eating, and gaming. Excuse me if I happen to be looking for a bit more than that.This is your cue to ask yourself, “What do I do? What do I fill my free time with? What do I care about? What do look forward to? What do I want for my future?” If you aren’t actively working towards something that’s more important than obtaining the next achievement on the latest World of Warcraft expansion, then you may want to consider the effects it’s having on your love life. I realize that it’s many a guy’s fantasy to find a “gamer girl,” but for those of us who live in reality, not only is this a low target to aim for, it is also nothing in comparison with a life full of tangible accomplishments and real-world people, rather than non-player-characters and fictional items.One of the benefits of actually DOING things or working towards something is that it impresses the ladies. They see a man who’s actually willing to put effort and consistency into something he cares about—which speaks volumes to them. It says to them that you aren’t the type to give up easily, which is something that the average woman worries about, even if she seems strong and says she doesn’t.Another added benefit of this, a sort of by-product, if you will, is that by taking part in activities, events, or other situations that involve mixed groups, you will directly expose yourself to people who are doing similar things and perhaps going in a similar direction. This, of course includes opportunities for a romantic connection, so just by getting out there and doing something regularly, you will create more chances to meet someone special, or at least get some perfect practice in becoming a better man.

FINAL ENCOURAGEMENT

As with all things, this topic cannot be simply understood with a one-article post. Like I’ve done over the years, I strongly encourage you to not limit yourself to these words, nor to even the 3% Man book I mentioned above. My continuing knowledge is my source of strength and it builds me up more and more, day by day. As of the writing of this article, I have been single from my long-time girlfriend for almost half a year. During this time, the most important thing I’ve come to understand is that I am still not as great an individual as I truly need or want to be. I have many more life changes to make, good habits to form, and non-beneficial ones to break. The tough news is that it takes time. The great news is that it can definitely be done—and is.

Keep at it and, like my favorite fantasy-based heavy metal band says, “Forever carry on.” Enjoy their video and lyrics below, and I wish you a great week!

-Brandon

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